the first monday in may

now that it’s 2022 and we’ve returned to a post-post-pandemic world (ie. ignoring the pandemic entirely), the Met Gala™ has returned to its rightful place on the first monday in may. you’ve probably heard lots of talk that no one really followed the theme, and that’s not entirely true; Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Maude Apetow, and Janelle Monáe all embodied gilded age glamour. But perhaps no one embodied the spirit of the age better than the Supreme Court, who opted to send women’s rights back to the 1800s by overturning roe v. wade. nothing better describes this country quite like celebrating opulence while we actively whittle away democratic institutions. the met gala may be bread and circus, but fuck it, we need something to laugh at.

THE GOOD

Lizzo

ornate. tasteful. eccentric. memorable. it’s everything you could ask for in a met gala look. the first of many Thom Browne looks that will be on this list. since this look, i’ve found lizzo’s music hitting much harder than it used to, so carry on — i’m excited to see what comes next.

Rosalía

don’t look too hard, but Matthew Williams is 2 for 2 when it comes to met gala looks. my twin stays delivering classics.

Lenny Kravitz

many people hate on Chrome Hearts these days, but even i have to admit they picked their battles brilliantly for this gala. Lenny Kravitz looks divine (which, admittedly, he often does), and it’s a great reminder that when it comes to androgynous looks, Lenny is and will always reign supreme.

Precious Lee

this is one of my favorites, and i love the way the gold crescendos as it moves further down the gown, when i think of gilded in the modern sense, it looks something like this.

Alicia Keys

if i were to make a list of the three most powerful humans in the world right now, the first would be joe biden, the second would be vladimir putin, and the third would be Alicia Keys when the theme is New York. salute to a GOAT.

Maude Apatow

maude looks like an oil painting hung in the halls of a philanthropic builiding constructed from the wealth of an oil baron. These days Miu Miu is best known for the micro mini skirt/top set combo, so it’s a great reminder of their strength that they can reach out to a major gen z icon and hang a completely different look on her and still knock it out of the park.

also it is a bit odd that she admits that her reference is the golden age of hollywood, because that’s around the 1930s/40s, which is notably quite different from the gilded age. maybe they misread the invitation?

also also, this moderately sketchy website says that the name maude peaked in popularity in 1882, which, coincidentally, is right in the middle of the gilded age. ride on, maude — you were built for this.

Travis Barker

travis barker created the iconic southern california brand famous stars and straps™, so his met gala debut has been a long time coming, and really there’s no better accompanying exhibit than American Fashion. pop punk tony hawk has more than earned his flowers in my book.

THE BAD

Cara Delevingne

i get that these pants are likely a fabric that can’t be ironed, but still. maybe you hang them in the bathroom when you shower to get the wrinkles out?

Gigi Hadid

i live in New York, which you’d think is the exact zip code where the red carpet puffer would hit home, but it missed the mark. maybe if she had the yankee fitted with it? I hear hats were in this year.

Ansel Elgort

first off, i have no idea who invited him, or why they stuck with him despite multiple sexual assault allegations. the best i can hope for is that Fendi was locked into a multi year contract, and rather than risk getting sued, had him attend as a waiter.

Nyjah Huston

now that evan mock is skateboarding’s most beloved fashion crossover, society has outgrown the need for nyjah huston. multiple sources confirmed (source: just trust me) he tried to talk to evan and evan had to politely inform him that all the seats at his table were full. tough luck for the 2020 olympic seventh place street skater.

Eric Adams

you could have told me that Noah designed his outfit and i would’ve 100% believed it. the new york times referred to him as the “swagger mayor.” it’s nice for us fashion dudes to finally get representation; this time, when our mayor systematically clears out homeless encampments, he looks drippy while he does it.

Kodi Smit McPhee

this outfit makes no sense, there isn’t a clear message behind it, it doesn’t look good, it’s not on theme, and we never got an explanation as to what the idea was. maybe kodi put on the cleaning gloves when he realized he was gonna have to wear this bullshit on the red carpet.

Hillary Clinton

altuzarra served up looks for both precious lee and hillary clinton. truly the duality of mankind.

EVERYTHING ELSE

Kid Cudi

'“good evening” ass fit.

Irina Shayk

I really wonder what the temperature inside is like. was she hot? was her outfit cosponsored by a deodorant brand? most of the attendees were in sleeveless dresses, so i’d imagine they’d cater to them in terms of climate control and keep it a smooth 70 degrees inside. or maybe it’s hard to be hot when you look so cool?

Lily Aldridge

definitely not on theme, but this website is called disco—theque, and she looks like a disco ball, so we fuck with it. they allegedly squeezed 170,000 crystals into this dress, we’ve squeezed 170,000 jokes into this weak article. truly the same vein.

Megan thee Stallion

the dress looks good, but haute le mode called this exact dress in his pre met gala video, and i just don’t think i’ve ever seen such a big celebrity get sniped like that.

Best Designer: Thom Browne

gunna, travis barker, russell westbrook, oscar isaac, and lizzo — now that’s one hell of a starting five. it speaks to browne’s abilities as a designer to bring all these different people together and link them all with one cohesive aesthetic that still brings out their personalities. browne’s partner is of course andrew bolton, curator of the Met Gala™, so maybe there was a bit of insider trading going on, only we all benefitted from it.

WORST DESIGNER: BURBERRY

in terms of press, not the best night for ricardo tisci and his team at burberry. it’s almost impressive to have a roster of bella hadid, kate moss, irina shayk, nicki minaj, jacob elordi, stormzy, and naomi campbell and still get next to no attention. the looks suffered the most fatal flaw of a red carpet outfit; they were boring. the leather ensembles that made up bella, irina, and nicki’s outfits were decent ready-to-wear but red carpet worthy. bad bunny had all the personality drained from him in his creme colored, leg-of-mutton sleeved dress. the all over print of both jacob elordi and naomi campbell’s outfits was so predictable it’s almost offensive. the lack of press is an indication that maybe there still are people who choose not to say anything if they don’t have anything nice to say. not me though — i seldom speak unless i have unkind things to say.